Safe People

Safe People by Henry Cloud and John Townsend
Zondervan, Copyright 1995
Trade Paperbacks, 208 pages

ISBN-13: 9780310210849

Description:

Drs. Henry Cloud and John Townsend offer solid guidance for making safe choices in relationships, from friendships to romance. They help identify the nurturing people we all need in our lives, as well as ones we need to learn to avoid. Safe People will help you to recognize 20 traits of relationally untrustworthy people. Discover what makes some people relationally safe, and how to avoid unhealthy entanglements. You'll learn about things within yourself that jeopardize your relational security. And you'll find out what to do and what not to do to develop a balanced, healthy approach to relationships.

My Thoughts:

 

Safe People: How to Find Relationships That Are Good for You and Avoid Those That Aren't by Henry Cloud and John Townsend deals with the problem of character discernment. Cloud and Townsend write, "Safe people are individuals who draw us closer to being the people God intended us to be. Though not perfect, they are ‘good enough’ in their own character that the net effect of their presence in our lives is positive. They are accepting, honest, and present, and they help us bear good fruit in our lives (pg. 11)."  The goal of Safe People is two fold. First, it will help us find and recognize safe and unsafe people. Second, it will also help us recognize areas in our lives where we are unsafe and help us become a safe person.

 

The book is divided up into three sections. In the introduction it says:

"In Part 1, 'Unsafe People,' you'll learn who unsafe people are and the twenty identifying traits of unsafe people (chapters 1-4).

In Part 2, 'Do I Attract Unsafe People?' you'll get a picture of the origin of the problem: why you currently choose the wrong people, and how to repair this problem (chapters 5-8).

In Part 3, 'Safe People,' you will learn more about what safe people are and why you need them. You will also receive practical help on successfully meeting and relating to safe people.

We designed this book to help you look both outside and inside yourself. (pg. 12)"

If you are open to honestly examining yourself, your relationships and your actions, Safe People will definitely give you a greater understanding of your role in interpersonal relationships. It is a Christian faith-based book.  I thought it was very convicting to examine the relationships I have and the role I take in them. Along with Cloud and Townsend's book Boundaries, it has the potential to be a powerful tool, especially for a Christian's recovery from various problems. A friend recommended this book to me and I appreciate that.  While I really liked Safe People, in many ways I thought Boundaries was more beneficial for me personally, but Safe People is still very highly recommended and I'm glad I read it.

 

 Table of Contents
Part One Unsafe People
1. What Is an Unsafe Person?
2. Personal Traits of Unsafe People
3. Interpersonal Traits of Unsafe People
4. How We Lost Our Safety

 

Part Two Do I Attract Unsafe People?
5. Do I Have a 'Safety Deficit'?
6. Why Do I Choose Unsafe Relationships?
7. False Solutions
8. Why Do I Isolate Myself from People?

Part Three Safe People
9. What Are Safe People?
10. Why Do We Need Safe People?
11. Where Are the Safe People?
12. Learning How to Be Safe
13. Should I Repair or Replace?

Quotes:

Have you ever said any of the following things to yourself?

How can I learn to pick better friends?

Why do I chose people who let me down?

How did I end up with this critical boss?

How do I attract irresponsible people?

Why did I invest money with that unscrupulous person?

What is it about me that draws the wrong types to me?

Why am I drawn to the wrong types?

If you have, then this book is for you. It deals with the problem of character discernment, a skill that many of us lack. opening, introduction

Safe people are individuals who draw us closer to being the people God intended us to be. Though not perfect, they are ‘good enough’ in their own character that the net effect of their presence in our lives is positive. They are accepting, honest, and present, and they help us bear good fruit in our lives. pg. 11

 

This is one of the marks of a truly safe person: they are confrontable. pg. 31

 

Repentant people will recognize a wrong and really want to change because they do not want to be that kind of person. They are motivated by love to not hurt anyone like that again. These are trustworthy people because they are on the road to holiness and change, and their behavior matters to them. pg. 33

 

It is a sad commentary that some husbands and wives are more disturbed by the fact that their spouse won't trust them than they are at whatever they had done to create that level of mistrust. pg. 36

 

Unsafe people do not do that hard work. They stay angry, stuck and bitter, sometimes for life. When they feel upset, they see others as the cause, and others as the ones who have to do all the changing. When they are abused, they hold on to it with a vengeance and spew hatred for the rest of their lives. When they are hurt, they wear it like a badge. And worst of all, when they are wrong, they blame it on others. pg. 37

 

If unsafe people are self-centered, safe people are relationship-centered. And that priority shows itself in the all-important action of empathy. pg. 44

 

Unsafe people condemn us instead of forgiving us. pg. 49

 

People who feel they are entitled to something are self-absorbed and grandiose. pg. 68