She Treads Softly: Why Won't You Apologize?

Sunday, January 8, 2017

Why Won't You Apologize?

Why Won't You Apologize? by Harriet Lerner

Touchstone: 1/10/17
eBook review copy; 208 pages
ISBN-13: 9781501129599

Why Won't You Apologize?: Healing Big Betrayals and Everyday Hurts by Harriet Lerner is very highly recommended, accessible discourse on apologies. This is a practical guide that anyone can understand and benefit from. The information and examples are presented with wit and intelligence. Why Won't You Apologize? would be a great addition to anyone's self-help library.

Through stories and examples Dr. Lerner explores the healing power of a good apology, how important apologies are, how to craft a meaningful apology and avoid bad apologies, non-apologies, or those that make the hurt worse, and the importance of our response to an apology. Both the non-apologizer and the over-apologizer are discussed. The needs of the injured party are addressed as well as setting limits for tolerating unkindness when listening to another person. Dr. Lerner shares twelve points to keep in mind when we’re on the receiving end of criticism and looks at healthy vs. unhealthy anger. Dr. Lerner also candidly explains why the people who do the worst things are the least able to own up to what they have done. In a startling, first-time-for-me revelation, she helps the injured person resist pressure to forgive too easily and challenges the popular notion that forgiveness is the only path to peace of mind.

"This book will teach you how to craft a deeply meaningful apology, and decode apologies that are blame-reversing, ambiguous, and downright mean. Going beyond the “how-to’s” of the good apology, we’ll be looking at compelling stories that illustrate how much the simple apology matters and why we so often muck it up. We’ll also be looking at heroic apologies that can open the door to forgiveness and healing in even the most difficult circumstances.
As the title Why Won’t You Apologize? suggests, the chapters ahead are also for the hurt or angry person who has received a weaselly or insincere apology - or none at all. When we’ve been insulted or injured by someone who just doesn’t get it, we can learn the steps necessary to change the tone of the conversation and get through."

Harriet Lerner, PhD is a respected relationship experts. Renowned for her work on the psychology of women and family relationships, she served as a staff psychologist at the Menninger Clinic for several decades. A distinguished lecturer, consultant, and psychotherapist, she is the author of numerous scholarly articles and popular books.

YouTubeTEDxKC

Disclosure: My advanced reading copy was courtesy of Simon&Schuster.

No comments:

Post a Comment

John Updike's six rules for reviewing:

1. Try to understand what the author wished to do, and do not blame him for not achieving what he did not attempt.

2. Give him enough direct quotation--at least one extended passage--of the book's prose so the review's reader can form his own impression, can get his own taste.

3. Confirm your description of the book with quotation from the book, if only phrase-long, rather than proceeding by fuzzy precis.

4. Go easy on plot summary, and do not give away the ending.

5. If the book is judged deficient, cite a successful example along the same lines, from the author's oeuvre or elsewhere. Try to understand the failure. Sure it's his and not yours?

To these concrete five might be added a vaguer sixth, having to do with maintaining a chemical purity in the reaction between product and appraiser.....Review the book, not the reputation.... Better to praise and share than blame and ban. The communion between reviewer and his public is based upon the presumption of certain possible joys in reading, and all our discriminations should curve toward that end.